One of the biggest responses I got to my last post concerned my mother leaving a diary that detailed her affair. Why would she do this? Why hadn't she told me before this? Did the man I thought was my dad know? I have no way of knowing the answer to these questions but I have some ideas.
Why would she do this? Well, people often use roundabout way to tell their secrets. It's the nature of a diary or journal. People pretend they don't want anyone to know what's written but that's just not true. If that were the case they would keep those secrets secret and not put them to paper. It's like the child who's parent reads their diary. The parent reading the diary is one reward and has the secondary bonus of knowing the parent will really understand them because (theoretically) everything in the diary is true (because it was never meant for them to read).
I won't go into what mama said about the affair or her rationale, but suffice it to say, I expect that she wanted Pop to read the diary and understand what she'd done. So I'm guessing he knew. Why didn't she tell me once I was grown? I think maybe that was too hard. I expect she knew deep down it was something I should eventually know and the diary would take care of that. Again, it would be her private thoughts and perhaps I'd understand better than if she'd told me herself. I'll never know the answers to these questions and it ceases to matter. Mama is gone, Pop if gone. They made the choices they made and I can't turn that into my own personal drama. I do worry about my younger brother sometimes though. We only talk through TDD most of the time. I'd often like to see his face and get a better idea what he's thinking and feeling.
Anyhow, Livejournal kind of proves my point about diaries. Just think, I put my "private" thoughts online for an untold number to read! It's the ultimate diary and maybe a little more honest than the diaries and journals people keep and "hide" from others. If anything, my family experiences make me believe you can't hide much from the world. The truth always comes out so best you be the one to tell it in the first place!